Wanting children at 36

Dear Anna,

Welcome to the forum:-)

From my own experience, I can say that it is always difficult, frustrating and exhausting when one partner's desire to have children is stronger than the other.

My partner, for example, basically wanted to have children, but had strong fears of commitment and put it off year after year after year. It was very difficult, but I was in my late 20s and was able to give him those years. You don't have them at 36 and he knows that.

I think insecurity in him is definitely something you can work on. He doesn't say: I don't want one. You really need to talk calmly and seriously. See him, even if it would be okay for him either way, you need family to be truly complete and happy. That it's really important to you. And that you don't want to put him under pressure, but of course you want to get on with it now.

Dear Anna,

Welcome to the forum! I can't contribute much to your partner problem, but I have a colleague who has successfully become pregnant twice despite rheumatism. She switched to a medication that is compatible with pregnancy. Perhaps you can ask your doctors about this.

I wish you all the best and that you and your partner find a good path!

With us, the conversations were also very stressful for the relationship and he was extremely evasive. But not talking is stressful for you and won't get you anywhere.

I think you need to make sure that you don't talk all the time, but that you talk once, in detail and with an answer.

Of course, you need to be clear about the possible consequences.

But I think you can expect a man over 40 to have the maturity not to string you along.

For example, what would he do if you tell him that you really want a child and stop using contraception (if you are using contraception?) And if he is still unsure, is he responsible for contraception?

I also think it's very important that you discuss the topic in detail. You put a lot of thought into it beforehand and it would be fair to give him this time to prepare and reflect on the conversation. Therefore, it might be a good idea to tell him in advance that you want to talk about it and announce the conversation for the weekend during a walk, for example. That way you can both think about it in peace and make a note of it. My husband and I regularly do this "walk & talk" at the weekend and it's so great for the relationship. In return, we leave the topic of KiWu alone during the week. (We are about to make an EZS transfer) This creates a little more normal everyday life and ease. Good luck!

Hello Anna,

I know your problem!

My husband and I got to know each other back then and I told him straight away that I wanted children (at the time I was 22 and he was 35) He said that a family was part of it.... Over the years, however, he changed his mind several times.... (he simply always had the concern that he might not be able to offer a child everything it needs, whether emotionally or materially) I then separated after 9.5 years because I couldn't stand this back and forth any more and didn't want to be deprived of the chance to have children.

As soon as we were separated, he invited me to dinner (about a month later). We talked a lot and he used the time to think about himself and his life. Six months later we got married and a month after the wedding we had our first transfer...

I think the key for us was that we each had time for ourselves and could reset and reflect on ourselves and our lives.

He even told me that he realized that his life, if he just carried on like this, would no longer fulfill him and that he wanted me back, preferably with children....

There's no guarantee that it will work out with children, but today, a year after the wedding, I'm 12 weeks pregnant and we're both looking forward to our child!

But every relationship is different and every path is different.... But conversations, long, detailed conversations, are never wrong!

I wish you all the best!

LG Jana

Unfortunately, I haven't had any good experiences with the postponement.

I told my ex-boyfriend when we first met that I still wanted children. He then fought for me for 1 year. When we got together it was later. It was almost 5 years and then I was already 40. I was very lucky to get pregnant in my 2nd attempt as a single mum. Unfortunately, I didn't realize until it was too late that wanting different children just doesn't work in the long term. I wouldn't do it that way again.

Dear Anna89,

phew, I don't really know your partner, but the combination of "depression" and "he's not sure" sets alarm bells ringing for me! I have a case like this in my circle of friends and the woman has been waiting for about 10 years now, she keeps being put off... At 39 she was considering freezing her eggs, I don't know if she did it.

I think you should seriously ask yourself how much you love him and whether you are prepared to take the risk of not having children for his sake ...

When I was about 37, I was told "you still have time", but today I know that wasn't the case!!! I had countless miscarriages between my late 30s and 46... I guess my eggs were pretty much all garbage, even though they were jumping happily and regularly...

If you can't decide at the moment and want to stay with him, then think about freezing your eggs!!!

And just because you've been together for 15 years doesn't mean you have to stay together!

My thoughts may be completely inappropriate for your situation, but they came to me when I read your post.

Give yourself a hug! Oskar

It should also be said that freezing eggs is certainly not a bad idea in such a situation, but unfortunately it gives you a false sense of security.

Unfertilized eggs are simply more difficult to freeze/thaw than eggs/embryos that have already been fertilized.

Whether you ultimately get pregnant with them is also a game of chance.

But of course it increases the chance of getting pregnant compared to doing nothing at all.

A friend once told me that if you can't clearly say yes to something, it's not the right decision. I was with my ex-boyfriend for almost 8 years, in my prime fertile period from 26 to 34. I told him when we met that I definitely wanted children and asked his opinion on the matter, because it was a prerequisite for me to get involved in the relationship. He said that he wanted children at some point. I was already in a relationship that lasted 6 years and he didn't want children. I always hoped that this would change, but it didn't. That's why I didn't want to make the same mistake a second time. Well, what can I say. My ex kept putting me off and kept finding reasons why it wasn't right now. I was very desperate, but I hoped he would stick to his word. In the end, I called for couples counseling and put a gun to his head. He finally admitted that he just couldn't imagine it after putting me off for 3 years. I was then 34 and single. It only worked out with my current husband via EZS. I'm super grateful that I was still able to become a mother as a result and it was the right decision, albeit a difficult one, to end the relationship despite many years. Be true to yourself and think about your personal happiness, even if it's difficult.

Dear Anna,

Have we shocked you with our answers? I didn't mean to! I hope you are doing well!

Best regards! Oskar

Dear Anna,

I would like to reply to you, even though you haven't contacted me since. I recognize parallels to my own experience. First of all, it is normal for depression to lead to insecurity. Many things are difficult with a depressed partner. I wish you a lot of strength.

I've also had KiWu since I was 36, which I approached very slowly because of relationship problems and my job situation, among other things, and in retrospect I showed MUCH too much consideration for my partner. I also have a long-term relationship (school days love) that I didn't want to give up and still find it difficult to do so. That's a different topic.

My lesson from the last 10 years (I'm now 45) is: plan your life and your desire to have children regardless of the environment and the man at your side. It may sound extreme, but that's the reality in my opinion. For years, I've seen my younger friends put off having children because they don't have a partner. Losing their precious years. The others have a partner and put it off for other reasons. All they end up with is frustration, dissatisfaction and health risks. At the same time, I see that women who have children late in life simply take matters into their own hands. Either present the men with a fait accompli or put a gun to their head. Unfortunately, the pistol method didn't work for me, or I didn't choose a big enough caliber ;-).

Time works against you and doesn't wait for the man at your side to mature. The man will also be able to start a family later, but it will be taken away from you or only made possible at great expense and via detours (EZS). In other words, think about the worst case scenario and how much you can and want to live with it? Isn't it "cheaper" to take the steps now? You have to consider for yourself what these steps might be. Freezing eggs would be the least you could do. Personally, I would just go for it and try to get pregnant anyway. Talking, couples counseling is worth a try, but my message is: think of ways without letting his attitude guide you.

My partner himself accuses me today of why I didn't present him with a fait accompli! LOL. That's one way to talk yourself out of responsibility, but also: some men need a fait accompli to move on. Unfortunately.