Miscarriage after IVF - searching for exchange & new ways at 42

merlino · July 14, 2025 at 11:24 PM

Hello everyone,

I've been reading along quietly for a while and would now like to open up myself because I'm looking to talk to people who have had similar experiences.

I am 42 years old, in a same-sex partnership, and recently had a miscarriage after an ICSI - my heart suddenly stopped beating. I am still very much in shock and full of grief. At the same time, I'm under a lot of pressure from the outside to "function", while inside I'm raging.

The eggs were my own, fertilized with donor sperm, which is also part of my family environment - so anything but an ordinary constellation.

I had high hopes when I saw the heartbeat. The fact that it didn't happen after all really knocked me off my feet.

I have the feeling that time is slipping through my fingers. We have been trying for about 3 years using the cup method, also with other donors. That was the first ICSI.

My blood values are always great, with simulation I had 12 eggs, everyone was thrilled, 2 of them were used as blastocysts, everything looked good and then suddenly not anymore in gestational week 6+6. What went wrong?

Now I'm thinking about sending the frozen embryos abroad to have PGT-A carried out there - unfortunately this is not allowed in Germany.

I am looking to exchange ideas with:

- other women over 40 who are going or have gone down similar paths

- People who also have to deal with grief after an early miscarriage

- Experience reports on PGT-A abroad (Czech Republic, Greece etc.)

At the moment I feel a bit alone with all this. Especially as there is more reproach, devaluation and pessimism coming from my immediate environment, which gives me little hope that things can work out again.

Kind regards

merlino · July 15, 2025 at 10:39 PM

Wow, I must have struck the wrong note or nobody really cares. Too bad!

I had somehow expected more from this forum. Compassion, humanity, empathy, understanding among people with similar experiences.

I'll move on then ... All the best to you all on your journey!

Nini · July 15, 2025 at 10:53 PM

Hello Merlino,

I wouldn't give up so quickly! Just because nobody has replied after less than 24 hours doesn't mean that nobody is interested. Perhaps those who match your "search criteria" just haven't had time to reply yet. I don't have any directly comparable experiences to yours, but I can still understand your feelings. I wish you all the best on your journey and hope that you find some helpful exchanges after all!

Fliege · July 15, 2025 at 11:09 PM

Hello Merlino,

I'm very sorry to read about your loss. When it finally works after 3 years and then turns out like this, it's really painful.

Unfortunately, the number of your eggs says nothing about their quality. You're over 40, so of course everything can still be good, but unfortunately it's more likely that the quality is no longer as good. Which could also explain the 3 years.

That's why a PGT-A makes sense, of course, to spare you unnecessarily painful experiences. Or simply switching to EZS.

Unfortunately, I'm not "your target group" and don't know enough about it, but I wish you all the best and lots of strength!

Saasa · July 16, 2025 at 8:22 AM

Hello Merlino,

the stories of the women here are different, everyone carries their own baggage, in the end it always comes down to the same problem but there are still differences.

I find it very sad what you have experienced and just hope that you find the strength to carry on - unfortunately this is a process of grief, despair and uncertainty on top of anxiety and panic attacks. You become unfair because you have the feeling that nobody is there and nobody cares.

I personally only recently found out that I am in the premature menopause (37), have been married for a year and have not yet had a child. In Germany, with my values, they don't even try with my own eggs. That's not to say that your story is better or worse.
But I'm no longer trying with my own eggs, which is the case for some people here.

You will find many great women here as long as you don't see it as a prerequisite - that they have a similar fate.

You also have to understand that every woman here is struggling and there are good and bad days for everyone here 🍀

C+C_Schmid · July 16, 2025 at 9:39 AM Official Post

merlino Nice that you have found your way here and would like to exchange ideas, advice and tips.

Regarding PGT abroad, unfortunately this is not always so easy and sometimes a question of money, as transportation alone can cost several thousand euros, depending on the provider. Have YOU already contacted clinics abroad about PGT?

LG

Chris

Teska · July 17, 2025 at 2:47 PM

Hello Merlino,

a few of your points apply to me, I am 41 and also had a miscarriage after egg donation. The little heart stopped beating in the 8th week of pregnancy - detected in the 12th week.

A terrible experience, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

In my case, premature menopause is also the reason for egg donation.

We are currently preparing for the second attempt. It should be in October.

Unfortunately, I can't tell you what went "wrong" with your pregnancy. But I can tell you that you are not alone in your grief. And you have every right to grieve, no matter what form it takes. And no, you don't have to function. And yes, the feeling that it's all too much is completely normal and okay.

How do these accusations and devaluations from those around you manifest themselves?