Decision egg donation vs. adoption - how did you find clarity?

Hello Emma,

We were also faced with the same decision. However, we are a lesbian couple and naturally rely on sperm donation.

We started the recognition for adoption in 2020 and were recognized (also because of Corona) in July 2022. We've been waiting ever since...

However, we have ruled out FAS and drugs, which means that 80-90 percent of the children are excluded.

The young student who gives up her child out of financial need has long been a fairy tale. Most mothers love their children, but can't care for them because of completely different things (mental health, drugs, etc.)

An adopted child ALWAYS has an attachment break, which you don't have with an EZS child, I think, as with all other options, that a changing table education is mandatory! Whether anonymous or not.

I also think an EZ donor is very different from a mother who gives her child up for adoption.

If you have any further questions, please feel free to get in touch.

Kind regards

Dear Emma_

I can only underline what strawberry writes. Adoption was never an option for us. Firstly, it sometimes takes years, it's not always just little babies who are ready to be adopted, the children have experienced relationship breakdowns, first away from their mother, then in short-term care, then to the adoptive parents. This can easily take six months. FASD and other pre-existing conditions play a major role, but are sometimes not passed on transparently. And ultimately, these are children who grow up with the fact that someone didn't want them or couldn't keep them. In the case of DCS, it is exactly the opposite. These children are so much wanted that someone gave away an egg so that they could become parents.

Regarding your question about siblings from the same donor: if you receive enough eggs, ergo blastos, you can of course have several children from one donor. However, I don't think it's very likely that you will have another child from the same donor a few years after the first treatment. It's a bit of a game of chance. We were actually lucky enough to achieve 2 pregnancies with 2 tested blastos, and I am now 15 weeks pregnant with the 2nd child. 1 blasto was not genetically healthy, we never used it. So we had a total of 3 blastos from one donation.

So I think an international adoption is much more difficult (5-8 years waiting time) and the children are older and have much more trauma.

You can network with women who already have older children from EZS, there is a special association for this, I have to google the name.

Dear Emma_, I only know all this for domestic adoptions, partly also from the professional context.

With egg donation, you can choose between anonymous donation (more common, shorter waiting time for donor) or open donation. In the case of anonymous donation, no details about the donor are revealed, apart from her age and blood group. The child itself has no chance of finding out these genetic roots at some point.

In the case of adoption, children of a certain age have the right to receive information about their origins and often go in search of their biological parents. This can, but of course doesn't have to, be a burden for the adoptive parents.

And I actually think it's an important aspect that in an adoption you simply don't receive any or very little information about the pregnancy and we now know that prenatal experiences also have an influence on the rest of life. And sometimes an FAS is simply not known or is concealed.

I think it is important to inform the affected child about both ways of conceiving. Nothing is worse than secrets that smoulder. Children sense that something is wrong, but are unable to classify it and will then inevitably relate it to themselves. If it comes to light at some point by chance, it often leads to major problems for the parent-child relationship and the child itself.

There are some mothers with older donor children here in the forum who have reported on their experiences. Perhaps you can find the relevant posts, unfortunately I don't have them to hand at the moment.

Thread

Wenn ich es meinem Kind nicht sage?

Ich beschäftige mich im Moment mit einer EZS. Natürlich denkt man immer wieder durch ob und wann man es dem Kind sagt. Nun wird hier durchgehend geraten, das Kind so früh wie möglich aufzuklären.

Aber eigentlich möchte ich das Thema in meinem Umfeld nicht öffentlich machen. Und wir alle wissen, dass Kinder so etwas überall erzählen werden…im Kindergarten, bei der Familie. Das finde ich nicht so toll. Ich denke auch, dass das Umfeld negativ reagieren könnte und es Hänseleien unter den…

Bado

August 15, 2022 at 11:53 PM

I found it here. On the 2nd page, Anja writes about her experiences with two EZS children who are now teenagers.

Quote from Emma_

Hello dear community,

I am currently at an inner turning point and would like to share my thoughts with you - perhaps there is someone here who recognizes themselves in this phase or is already one step further.

Since my last attempt at stimulation was unsuccessful and I am struggling with a very low ovarian reserve, I have to slowly say goodbye to the dream of having a child with my own eggs. I am now turning my attention to a new option: egg donation or adoption.

I am particularly concerned with the issues of sex education and the identity of the child.
I'm not afraid that I might not feel the child is "mine" - my heart would be ready. But I ask myself:

• How can I accompany a child well who was created through egg donation?
• Is it selfish to give a child a "package" out of a deep desire to have children - i.e. the reality of not being genetically related? Perhaps even with the knowledge that the child could experience an identity crisis?
• Would adoption make a difference in this respect?

Have you sought psychological counseling? If so, can you recommend specific counseling centers or experts?
How long did this decision-making process take you?

I am also looking for exchange groups or testimonials from children who have been conceived through egg donation. So far, I only know the association "Spenderkinder e.V.", which focuses mainly on sperm donation. Is there anything similar for egg donation?

Another thought that concerns me:
Would it perhaps be easier for the child to grow up with a sibling who was also born from EZS - in other words, to have someone by their side who shares the same story?
Have any of you chosen this path? And if so, is it even possible to have two children from the same donor?

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for any honest insight. It's good that this forum is a space where such questions can be asked.

Best regards

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