Menopause at 31

Dear Jessi,

Unfortunately, chemotherapy also destroyed my egg reserve. At that time, freezing was not yet covered by health insurance and as I had previously received MTX (which also affects the eggs), it was unfortunately not an option.

I knew that there was a possibility that I was infertile. But to be honest, I didn't believe it. If I had known, a childless life would have been okay for me. But once we had started and I had fully committed emotionally to family planning, there was no turning back for me...

I had a regular cycle for years. My gynecologist let us try the natural way for almost two years, although I went to her several times with clear menopausal symptoms... Instead of a referral to the KIWU, my husband was supposed to have a spermiogram done. At some point I asked for a referral and it was only at the KIWU that we were told that one of my ovaries was already inactive and that my AMH was also 0.02.

In between, I had a single positive test, but still had bleeding and a discharge the same evening. That was probably our 6 in the lottery.

We were spared the stress of stimulation. The KIWU was very clear and immediately recommended egg donation. We are still on our way and unfortunately haven't had any luck with 2 transfers yet.

Maybe this thread will help you? I got a lot of helpful tips there at the beginning of our EZS journey: Letting go - how did you manage?

I wish you lots of strength on your journey and answers to your questions ❤️

Dear Jessi,

I can relate so well to what you are describing. I can tell you that when my doctor first advised me to donate EC...my head was spinning like a top! And my heart couldn't keep up at first.

It was a process, and I guess it has to be. It's painful to let go of passing on your genes. And it feels like starting a Mars mission - so alien.

Bit by bit you inform yourself, sort it out for yourself and decide. Good coaching was essential for me!

Yes, and today I have our little daughter, our little miracle - and I love her more than anything.

Dear Jessi,

First of all, give me a hug. I can also understand your thoughts. For me, it wasn't the chemo, but nature (at 36 years old), but I still had little luck with my "normal" gynaecologist. Only a doctor in a KIWU put the cards clearly on the table. As a result, we didn't have any hassle with stimulation etc. either. Before that, we also lost years waiting and trying. For us, the only option was the EZS, which we had done in DK. Fortunately, the first attempt worked straight away and I am now (at the age of 41) 11 weeks pregnant with our worm. It was the best decision, even if it was a hard and expensive journey. The emotional situation and psyche are one thing, but there is also a financial aspect.

For me, I can say that I never doubted whether I would love this child less, even though it doesn't have my genetics. I never thought about it, it's my child that I had to fight very hard for. We also opted for an open donation because I know from my own experience what it's like to be lied to or not know the truth.

For me, what counts is epigenetics, which is often underestimated. I teach my child to say please and thank you. I act as a role model for my child. I teach my child to treat people, animals and the environment with respect. And I make sure that it is protected, loved and grows up. This has nothing to do with blood type and the like.

I know a couple who adopted a 3-day-old child. The boy bears an astonishing resemblance to his father - although that can't be the case. It doesn't matter, the boy had a great childhood, loving parents, a great youth, graduated from high school and is now studying mechanical engineering.

What I'm trying to say is that you don't always need the same genes. But everyone must and may and should decide that for themselves.

The decision on how and whether to continue is entirely up to you. Don't rush into anything and don't let anyone pressure you into anything. There will be days when you will be totally motivated and then there will be days when you wake up and go to bed with fears and worries.

The saying "If you fight you may lose, if you don't fight you've already lost" is kind of true, but it's up to you.

The clinics offer free initial consultations, you can find out a lot here and the internet is also full of other information. If you feel you need professional help to talk, then make use of it. Appointments with psychologists are often difficult to get, but there are also other institutions offering help, depending on where you live. In larger cities there are even self-help groups, and also groups of parents or parents-to-be after/with ECS.

One more thing, in the course of my story I have realized that I am not an isolated case with my infertility and premature menopause at the age of 30 - as the statistics say. Unfortunately, more women are affected by this than we think, but nobody or only a few talk about it. It's a problem for society, women are uncomfortable talking about it because many people still think that a woman has to have children. And if she can't because her body doesn't or no longer gives her the opportunity, then that's something you don't talk about in our society. If we were to do that, then perhaps we would take a look at our legislation and revise it, or the unequal treatment with regard to additional payments for childless people in long-term care insurance. Our neighboring countries are simply much further ahead, and things are communicated much more openly there.