Kordsofa's history

I didn't want children until I was 36. The partners weren't right either. Then I lost a partner I could have imagined having children with.

I've been trying to have a child with my current husband since the end of 2022. The copper chain was removed. Nothing happened.

The naturopath said I was under too much stress and advised me to do this and that. The gynecologist sent me to the clinic who said I was there early. Back to the gynecologist and tried to support with hormones. A fibroid was surgically removed at the beginning of 2024.

A positive test in March 2024. In May it turned out that nothing had developed. Then the scraping in June.

We visited the KiWu clinic again in summer 24. Now they wanted to support us. Hormones taken, eggs retrieved and the first attempt in September. Negative. Another cryotransfer in December. Negative. In January, another cryotransfer after hormone administration. Negative.

From a health point of view, nothing speaks against a pregnancy. I weigh a little more but not too much. Everything is okay with my husband too.

I feel like I'm failing, that I'm to blame, my mood is often not good. Little brings me joy. Hoping and being disappointed every time is a burden. I'm still waiting for a place in therapy. I've had depression in the past. I have stopped all medication because of my desire to have children.

I'll be 40 in September and I'm currently thinking about what we should do. I'm consulting my gynecologist on Thursday. I don't feel that I'm in good hands at my current clinic. I have no idea whether a change would be possible. And whether I can manage everything again with hormones, surgery and cryotransfers. It was difficult without my colleagues noticing.

I would like to read and write here to process and be advised.

I'm currently unsure whether I should try again. The only thing I don't know right now is what could help me decide.
When is it time to give up the desire to have children? At 40? Later?

And how I should deal with the sayings and well-intentioned advice that I receive without being asked. Whether God has other plans for me, whether this and that dietary supplement helped whoever's daughter, whether I should put an end to it and then it will work, whether I should always think positively and manifest it etc.
At the moment it's hard for me to put up with it and when I say I don't want to talk about it, my family just keeps on talking. I lose the desire to meet them.
I think that's a shame. I think others feel the same way, but my friends both became mothers at the same time as my child would have arrived. Or they are already mothers. I don't have anyone to talk to who has experienced or is experiencing something similar.

And should I now switch off mentally and give up or think positively and manifest? I'm confused by all this advice. 🙈

On Tuesday we'll look at another clinic. They were very nice on the phone. I still don't know whether I want to try again. I'm dreading the hormones and the egg cell operation. And I'm afraid it won't work again.
I'm also unsure whether I should go back to my psychiatrist to get a prescription for my depression. I had stopped taking that for my desire to have children, along with my neuroleptics. Without KiWu treatment, I would have been back long ago because I lack joy and drive and I can't sleep because of my thoughts.

Among other things, I have bulimia and depression, which keep coming back. I'm going to ask the clinic on Tuesday how I should deal with it. Neither medication nor an eating disorder are conducive to having children.

I like the new clinic better. I should have a biopsy and probably a uterine endoscopy before a new treatment. Makes sense for me to look for causes before it doesn't work again.
I should see my psychiatrist about a new antidepressant. I could take sertraline.

Here in Cologne in a fertility clinic. The examination is not covered by health insurance anyway.

The doctor says we should apply for ICSI. First a biopsy to look for killer cells.

The biopsy is tomorrow. I'm looking forward to seeing how it goes. A 30-minute consultation is planned. After that I'm going home.

I have adenomyosis, something like endometriosis. Maybe that's why the treatment today was so painful. The results will be back in a week. I have sent the application to the health insurance company. I'll wait and see.

I also have killer cells.
ICSI rejected.
So apply for IVF again?
Or pay 5/6000€ myself.

TSH too low. Antibodies far too high.

Or leave it all. I feel tired, empty and powerless. Often have to cry.

Losing weight doesn't work either. No more positive thinking for a long time.

My psychiatrist has time to prescribe me a new antidepressant on the 14th.

Only rejections for psychotherapy again.

Coaching, nice conversations but too expensive.

I'll have to discuss everything with my husband when he gets home from work.

I haven't looked at anything yet.

I hear so often this and that is a must, but this has helped, I have to take this food supplement, have this stone lying by my bed, I have to touch a baby and be completely optimistic and relaxed. I need coaching, therapy, a vacation and to get a dog. My head is so full that I can hardly rest.