Letting go - how did you manage it?

    Hello everyone,

    I am new to the forum, 36 years old and we are candidates for an EZS. The search for a donor in Spain is already underway :S I've been back on the pill for around 3 weeks. I don't really have an issue with the EZS. However, taking the pill again was very difficult for me. The chance and hope of a "natural" miracle had finally disappeared. This is exactly what I'm struggling with and I hope that you might have one or two tips or suggestions for me...

    Why EZS?
    Due to aggressive drug therapy in my early twenties, my egg reserves were basically completely destroyed (AMH at 0.027 and 0.045). The right ovary appears inactive on ultrasound. On the left I have "ovulations" but they seem to be without an egg. My cycle was relatively normal until recently.

    Previous history:
    I knew that I could become infertile as a result of the treatment, but to be honest I didn't believe that this would actually happen. I had regular gynecological examinations and talked intensively with my doctor about contraception... In all those years, my gynecologist never even hinted that pregnancy would be difficult or even impossible.

    Three years ago, I went to the gynaecologist to have the copper IUD removed and to talk about the desire to have children. A few months later, the IUD was removed. We have been practising for around two years now. During all this time, my gynaecologist had given me the feeling that everything was okay. After about 12 months without success, she even asked my husband for a spermiogram, which I took as a sign that everything seemed okay with me... Then, in January, the miracle! A positive test! But just a few hours after the positive test, I started having severe cramps and bleeding and had an early discharge.

    After that, the symptoms of the onset of the menopause became more frequent (sleep disorders, weight gain, bleeding for 3 weeks...). I went back to the gynaecologist (several times!) with these symptoms and even actively raised the issue of premature menopause, but she didn't address it. After about 1.5 years, we went to the fertility center on our own initiative and were diagnosed very quickly... In principle, the ultrasound was sufficient. Surely my gynaecologist should have seen that?

    Current feelings and thoughts:
    After the visit to the KIWU, we quickly decided to have an EZS. Both for mental reasons and financially, we have little leeway for trying with our own (virtually non-existent) eggs. Between the initial consultation and taking the pill, there were about 3 cycles in which we gave it our all again (very frequent sex, L-Tyroxin, Pimp my Egg, alternative practitioner etc...). 8)

    Nevertheless, I still find it hard to shake off the thought that we may have "given up" too early. After all, it had worked once. I have completely lost trust in my gynaecologist. At the same time, I think: why didn't she react? Did it perhaps not look so hopeless after all? However, I can't imagine having a clarifying conversation with her at the moment. I have discussed the issue with a psychologist.

    According to three different doctors at the fertility clinic in Germany and the clinic on Mallorca, the probability of having a child with my own eggs is close to 0. I am grateful for the clear words and that sometimes I think that maybe 2-3 (unsuccessful) attempts would have made it easier to accept it and at the same time it feels like we would have saved a lot of pain, hormones and money...

    Maybe you understand my dilemma and have some advice on how to let go of the past? Thank you very much!
    A.

    Hello LiniBini,

    Welcome to the forum!

    I'm very sorry to hear what you've had to go through and I can really understand your feelings.

    I had my first child this year at 34 after egg donation.

    After your text, 3 things come to mind:

    1. who put you on such aggressive medication without counseling you on eggfreezing? Normally you are advised to freeze your eggs before such treatment. But it is what it is.

    And then to your question about letting go:

    2. yes, it's hard and unsuccessful attempts often maybe part of the process. But they are also extremely exhausting and painful, cost time and money and you live between hoping and fearing and being disappointed, which wears you down and puts a strain on the partnership.

    I totally understand your train of thought, but the good thing is that the experts from Germany and Spain agree that nothing works. Since EZS is banned in Germany, the German fertility clinic would otherwise have sold you a treatment with them. It must be very clear if they don't do this.

    The best thing is that you can get pregnant. Knowing that is worth a lot in the whole process. Some women never have an implantation, even after all the medical help.

    Unfortunately, a short pregnancy does not mean that it will ever be an intact one. If your eggs have been chemically destroyed, you may even risk many miscarriages or a sick child.

    Knowing the path directly has advantages. It was the same for me. No own attempts, directly EZS.

    3 I can assure you that it won't matter at all whether this child comes from your egg or another one. As soon as you are pregnant, it is YOUR baby. In a year or two, you'll be laughing about this discussion ;)

    Incidentally, my husband was completely against the EZS for years. He couldn't get to grips with foreign genes at all.

    Today, he loves his daughter more than he could ever love another baby. It is no longer an issue, he wants to have the same donor again for a sibling.

    You won't have any more doubts about what if... The blasro is cultivated for 5 days. After that, everything takes place in your body, you will assemble this little person afterwards, supply it with your blood, share in the excitement bit by bit as it grows, it will be 100% a piece of you ♡ Have courage!

    I was always grateful to have been given clear words. They led me to my daughter in the very first attempt without any detours.

    When I read about the years of odysseys that some people had to go through here in Germany before they were able to have a successful EZS, I shudder.

    Dear Fly,

    Thank you very much for your kind words and for sharing your experiences with me <3

    I actually received advice on eggfreezing at the time. However, the legal situation at the time was such that the costs would not have been covered by health insurance. However, this would not have been possible anyway, as I was already taking other medication that had to be discontinued for at least 6 months before egg retrieval. Unfortunately, this was not an option, which is why eggfreezing would not have been possible.

    I am really grateful that I am "lucky in misfortune", so to speak, and that egg retrieval is an option at all. I also believe that it won't matter at some point. My head also knows all the advantages and that it will probably save us a lot of suffering. I'm not struggling a bit with the EZS itself, but rather with letting go... Your sentence "It must be very clear if they don't do that." was helpful for me. - You're right! Who would voluntarily pass up the chance to get the fee if there was a realistic chance! THANK YOU!

    Do you still have eggs or blastos frozen for a sibling? :)
    How long did your search take? I am so impatient 8o

    Kind regards
    A.

    I think that if someone who could earn a lot of money says: there goes zero, then you can rely on it. It was the same for me.

    Sometimes clear, honest words are hard, but necessary.

    How did the spermiogram turn out? Everything okay there?


    Yes, we still have 2 blastos frozen. However, they are not of super quality. Back then we took a very expensive guarantee package where 4 blastos were guaranteed. We had 12 eggs, all fertilized, but unfortunately only 3 made it.

    One top Blasto and 2 of low quality. The top blasto made it straight away and is our little daughter ♡♡♡♡

    Of course, this voided the warranty. If it hadn't worked out with the 3 of them, the clinic would have looked for another donor free of charge and completely restimulated. This would have given us all the blastocysts again.

    But it worked out :) right away.

    Of course, it's a bit silly for a sibling attempt that there are now only 2 left, where the chances are not good. But we can be very, very grateful to have such a great child at the first attempt.

    Everything else remains to be seen.

    Hello LiniBini


    I'll chime in too:

    At the time, my doctor told me to just "keep on pimping until it works" (original quote 😱) even though I was already 45 at the time.

    We then came to a clinic by recommendation and stayed there. The first two transfusions (there were only 2 blastos) were negative and we changed donors. Our daughter was the first attempt with the new donor.
    After that we had two negative attempts for a sibling, there were various tests and I am currently 22 weeks pregnant with the last remaining blasto.

    The little sister is due in January or February 💕

    I'm still thinking about the EZS, but only because I'm so grateful that our daughter is with us and I can't believe my luck.

    Good luck and perseverance to you!!! ❤️❤️❤️

    Jg. 75

    Neuer Partner 2019

    KiWu 2020

    💍 und SET 9/21

    BT 16.9.21 positiv (Hcg 166), 1.10.21: biochem SS

    KET 1.12.2021 - negativ

    1. TF mit neuer Spenderin: 1.2.2022

    T+5/T+7: Urintest positiv 🥰

    BT 10.2.22

    Good morning,

    This is my 'story':

    2016 laparoscopy for suspected endometriosis. Was then confirmed.

    My gynaecologist never took me seriously regarding the pain.

    I first had to change my gynaecologist... then I was finally taken seriously.

    Unfortunately, I was not informed at the time that I should consider social freezing, as endometriosis could make me infertile. Not from the surgeon and not from my gynaecologist either. And I had lots of endometriosis lesions on my bladder, symphysis, bowel and ovaries.

    Well, I then took the pill without a break to avoid new foci. Almost 6 years later I wanted to try to get pregnant with a KiWu clinic (SMBC)

    I went to the first clinic. Ultrasound and blood was taken. A few days later I got a call from the doctor who told me on the phone: "You are in the premature menopause, I advise you to have EZS.

    That was of course a shock... you don't expect that.

    I went to another clinic for a 2nd opinion. AMH less than 0.03.

    The chances of having a child from my own eggs were close to 0.

    I didn't try in Germany.

    1.5 months later I had my first appointment at IVI Mallorca.

    Now my daughter is lying next to me for almost 11 months. The love of my life!♥️🥹

    I believe everything in life is predestined 🙏🏻

    Today I am grateful that everything turned out this way. Otherwise I wouldn't have my wonderful daughter.

    I wish you all the best !!!!

    Hello everyone,

    Thank you very much for sharing your experiences. It's really good to hear that I'm not alone with my (unfortunately partly negative) experiences.

    Fliege: I'm absolutely delighted that it worked out for you at the first attempt! I would wish for that too... every further attempt is simply another financial burden... but that's another topic... ;) I'll keep my fingers crossed for you! How do you recognize "good" blastos or how do you determine low quality?

    Lalelu22 It's amazing what you've already done! I think it's blatant how lacking in empathy some doctors are or how jaded they seem to become... that's probably what the profession brings with it out of self-protection... How did you get through it? The constant ups and downs... but it's so wonderful that a sibling is already on the way :) I hardly dare to think about it... I'm getting more impatient every day and hope that our donor will be found soon :)

    JulianeCharlotte Thank you for your story. Unfortunately, I know the "not being taken seriously" too well... Despite my medical history, people just don't look closely enough sometimes... Your story is very similar to mine. From the diagnosis and very low AMH relatively close to the EZS... We are also at IVI Mallorca and now I hope that our story will soon have a happy ending :) How long did your search take?

    The support here in the forum is really worth its weight in gold! Thank you very much!

    Quote from LiniBini

    How do you recognize "good" blastos or how do you determine low quality?

    I have picked out 2 links where embryo grading is explained.

    This is graded in the laboratory.

    English:

    Embryo Grading & Success Rates: The Sensible Guide
    Embryo grading can be very hard to interpret and (more importantly) know if you have quality embryos and a good shot at successful pregnancy.
    www.sensiblesurrogacy.com

    German:

    Embryo in der Blastozyste: Typen und Klassifizierung nach Qualität
    Was ist ein Blastozysten Eine Blastozyste ist ein 5/6 Tage alter Embryo mit einer komplexen Zellstruktur, die aus etwa 200 Zellen besteht. Das
    www.institutobernabeu.com

    Thank you dear fly 🤗... you're right ... I just want it to finally start ... this waiting for the next cycle is getting long ... but what are days against years 😉

    I've just had a look at the "grading" ... who told you anything about the quality of your 3 blastos - I still have no idea what quality our polar bears are ?!

    Quote from Fliege

    Marta. I think I had to ask twice, then I got the results:-)

    We also had Marta - some things I had to ask several times, others she told me without asking, like the gender etc.. But we were also told the quality. You just have to follow up several times, not pack too many questions into one message, etc. In the end, she was barely available to us.

    But yes, the best blasto was transferred first (5AA) and it worked straight away. I am currently in the 27th week of pregnancy :) We still have 2 blastos frozen, which are of a slightly weaker quality (both 5BB). But as I'm already 48, I don't know yet whether we'll use them. We are running out of time.

    My story:

    Got pregnant naturally in my early 30s in a totally toxic relationship and after much deliberation, decided against it. I was still at the very beginning and my gut was already telling me before the early test came back. I can't count the number of sleepless nights when I saw the unsuccessful attempts as a punishment for this decision. Then I was single for a long time. My gynaecologist always reassured me that my AMH was good. However, she didn't tell me that this was no indication of egg quality. Social freezing despite a known desire to have children was never an issue.

    In my late 30s, I finally found a suitable partner, but couldn't decide to have a child. Diagnosed with endometriosis. I broke up in my early 40s and went off to donate sperm as a single mom. That seemed to do something with my ex and I could very well imagine him as a dad, so there were two attempts with his sperm and my eggs - not even a hint of implantation. It cost a lot of money, which I paid alone - but it was worth it to me! Then I separated again and tried it alone with donor sperm. It was the attempt with the best blasto quality, but still no implantation. By then I was in my mid-40s and it was clear that I didn't even need to try again with my own eggs.

    In my late 40s, I had a great partner and a healthy, beautiful relationship. I was actually done with the topic and somehow we talked a lot (he was totally open to both), got some advice, had a look at two clinics in Prague and then somehow ended up trying Ferticare :)

    It was really a feeling out process and I'm happily pregnant, our little worm is due at the end of December, God willing. And yet: I totally understand you! Abroad they are a bit more "aggressive" with the medication, as far as I can compare. And I've often wondered whether I should have tried again with my eggs the way they did. Even though the doctor of course made it absolutely clear that at 46/47 years of age nothing more could be expected. But the question is still there from time to time. And also that I'm sometimes sad that I can't pass on things that I like about myself, such as my skin tone or texture or that my toe next to the big one is smaller than the big one (it's often different). Don't get me wrong, I'm not at all fixated on outward appearances or superficial. I just wonder if I will recognize myself in my child. And yes, I know that this is often not the case with children from your own eggs. I know all that! ...

    I concentrate on how it grows inside me. How I feel it, worry about its development, rejoice that everything is good and use the pregnancy to strengthen the bond. I am incredibly grateful that it worked out and that I can experience this miracle of a pregnancy and have the chance to be a mom. I can't put into words what it means to me, especially in the current times, to hopefully be able to raise a good human being who values and protects this world. It all means more to me than my own genes.

    I wish you good contact with yourself and a firm and stable feeling for your decision and your path!

    All my love!

    12.04.24 EZS in Prag, 3 Blastos - eine AA transferiert

    21.04.24 positiver Urintest <3

    21.06./27.08.24 1. und 2. Pränataldiagnostik: alles gesund und zeitgerecht <3

    24+2: 660g und 30 cm :love:

    28+2: 1.180g und 36 cm <3 bisher nichts vom Schwangerschaftsdiabetes beim Baby angekommen:folded_hands:

    Yes, she did. I had asked via whatsapp if we had both sexes in the three remaining blastos. She then said no, it was only one.

    When we spoke on the phone, she told me without being asked.

    You, but in the end it doesn't matter - it should just be obvious and the most important thing is of course that it's healthy and lively :)

    LG

    12.04.24 EZS in Prag, 3 Blastos - eine AA transferiert

    21.04.24 positiver Urintest <3

    21.06./27.08.24 1. und 2. Pränataldiagnostik: alles gesund und zeitgerecht <3

    24+2: 660g und 30 cm :love:

    28+2: 1.180g und 36 cm <3 bisher nichts vom Schwangerschaftsdiabetes beim Baby angekommen:folded_hands:

    Healthy - naturally !!! - that is the most important thing ...

    I only ask because we were asked by her in the initial consultation - why do you want to do the genetic analysis - my husband then told her ... to reduce miscarriages ...

    And then she said almost reproachfully - ok, because they don't know the sex ...

    So I just had to ask 😉