Welcome to the forum 
12 years is an insanely long time.
I feel very sorry for the miscarriages.
I can understand your excitement very well.
After so many failures and after such a long time, it is unfortunately normal for the lightness of the subject to evaporate at some point.
Dear Tulip,
Thank you very much for your post 
How much anxiety is normal?
I'm particularly wondering whether I haven't gotten too old in all these years (I'm already 50). I am very fit and am estimated to be 5-10 years younger everywhere, and my various doctors (regardless of the KiWu clinic! / family doctor) have no concerns. But me ;-(.
I have been chasing after the desire to have children for years now and have taken care of my siblings' and friends' children a lot, was always the one who played soccer or squeezed onto the bobby car and now there is only panic ;-(.
I can't tell the difference between "I don't want to" and "I'm scared". I have the thought "what do I do if I can't accept the embryo inside me after the transfer and want it to disappear".
Best regards,
Oskar
Anxiety shortly before is completely normal. I had the same thoughts at 34 just before the transfer.
I asked myself: have I really wanted this so badly for years? Or did I just stop questioning at some point and just go with the flow?
It was completely normal.
It was fear. I'm now in my 30th week and have no regrets
We have another 50+ mom here. Athena.
Hello Oskar, welcome to the forum. A little anxiety is normal. On the one hand, I agree with Tulip. Years of Kiwu combined with painful experiences take away any lightness on the subject.
In addition, there was a moment just before the TF when I got cold feet, because suddenly it was so real. In the time before the EZS, I was almost "used" to it not working out. Suddenly the chance was so much bigger and I thought "oh god, what if I get pregnant now? Do I really want this?"
I think that's normal, but I think you have enough good reasons for going down this path and then it will be the right thing to do.
All the best for you.
@Oscar Anxiety is probably also a fairly normal reaction when having children.
I can't say how much is normal and when it becomes pathological.
But of course you worry a lot:
- Do I have the right partner?
- Does "society" or I want to become a mother? What do I _want_?
- How will it all work out when the baby arrives?
- Am I too old? How do I deal with possible hostility?
- What if the child accuses me of EZS at some point?
- What if it doesn't work out at all and everyone is sitting on the porch talking about their grandchildren and I'm all sad?
- Will I really love the child?
- What if something goes really wrong during the birth?
These were the thoughts I had beforehand.
Some fears have come true, others (so far) have not.
The same applies here: you grow with your tasks.
I think that if your desire to have children doesn't work out straight away, you deal with contingencies much more than you would have done if it had worked out straight away.
The carousel of thoughts starts and with it comes corresponding (future) fears.
However, the exchange here in the forum can be very helpful in gaining clarity about all these issues.
LG
Oskar well, that's a good question. I talked a lot about it with my husband, who, funnily enough, didn't get cold around the feet at all 
And then I kind of let it come to me. But I also have to say that I went to therapy in the course of this whole Kiwu story that happened before. I just couldn't cope with all these negative feelings any more. What I did alongside behavioral therapy was hypnotherapy. I could actually imagine doing that with what you describe, because it doesn't take many sessions and works amazingly. But you have to make sure you find someone who has had proper training. Because it has nothing to do with show hypnosis or what some alternative practitioners offer.
Google Milton-Erikson Institute. There is a list of therapists who have undergone proper hypnotherapy training.
Oskar, I can understand you very well. I had fears too. I had a caesarean section in 2021 and was really scared the day before. Like before a life-changing blind date, which funnily enough it is. I can say for myself. Yes, I am happier. My life is much richer and more colorful. Seeing things through the eyes of a child again is good for my soul. Our son was the best decision of my life.
I can also understand your fears now. Now that I'm about to turn 50 (still 49) and a full sibling is on the cards, I'm once again worried about the possible gossip from society, colleagues, neighbors, etc. etc. Also health fears. Will the risk of pre-eclampsia be even higher at 50? How does a pregnancy with a small child go? How can I cope with it at my age? I'm fit, I can no longer manage to do sport, I used to run marathons or go mountain hiking fasting.... but since all the hormone treatments and cortisone I have a slightly increased blood pressure, which I never used to have. Then I see my little son stroking his daycare buddy's brother (6 months) and being totally taken with him.... and that's a sign for me to keep going? I also underwent therapeutic treatment after four failed attempts. That strengthened me. Only then did I have the strength to go on again.
For me, the fear of not risking it and being unhappy with it forever was greater in the end than risking it.
Thank you very much Conby, Fliege81 and Fliege for your kind answers!
Conby: yes, very funny, my husband has no concerns at all, he's really happy. I also got psychological help, but your tip about hypnosis is great! I'll start looking for it
Fliege81: I think your description "life-changing blind date" is very apt
Thank you for your thoughts on the sibling! That's exactly one of my concerns: our child would most likely remain an only child... Can I do that to him? Regarding the risk of pre-claempsia: the risk of pre-claempsia is increased with egg donation in all age groups, regardless of age! We don't know exactly why, but it is assumed that the course for pre-claempsia is already set at the very beginning of pregnancy, as the embryo is genetically doubly foreign. It probably has to do with defense, clumping and blood circulation. I was also very worried about this, but the doctors reassured me that this is monitored very closely during egg donation. I was already given ASA before the transfer. Under no circumstances should I hide the donation from the doctors.
I think the picture of your little one stroking the baby is very sweet ;-). Is that a sign? It certainly triggers thoughts and feelings in you ;-). What does society think? At 50, it can theoretically still happen naturally (e.g. Ute Lemper was almost 50 with her 4th child), even if very rarely, but I don't think people think that far ahead. And if you have a child in your 20s without an education, for example, people talk about it too. I almost think it's envy of the courage.
Fliege: that's a very helpful comment, I'm going to ask myself what I'm more afraid of. However, I'm afraid that the answer will only come shortly before....
The psychologist at KiWu told me that I should interpret the fears like waves: Either I ride them to my destination or they will overwhelm me. But what is really my goal deep down?
Have a wonderful day!
Oskar
Hello Oskar,
how well I can empathize with your thoughts!
I'm 48 and in my early 40s I had three attempts with my own eggs (as a single) without implantation. Now, for almost a year, everything revolves around the EZS.
I have endometriosis and first had to have surgery again, then I fell ill with corona shortly before the planned transfer, then I was diagnosed with adenomyosis again. I had a Decapeptyl depot injection in November and since then I've had constant hot flushes and sleep so badly.
And then I sit there and think: I have everything - I'm otherwise healthy, have a happy relationship, a good job, can afford things.
I so often have the feeling that I'm risking it all and stressing out for something that I no longer know if I want.
My best friend always says: "Nothing has changed about the reasons why you started down this path. On the contrary: you even have a great partner now!"
To be honest, I don't know what's right. But what I do believe is that we would never have had all these thoughts if it had just worked out. Do we have to give these thoughts so much space?
At the end of the day, I just think it takes too long, we have to make too many interim decisions. We are micromanaging. Others skip the contraception and what comes next just comes.
Our steps always require a decision beforehand. This irritates us, stresses us out and complicates things, taking a little of the magic out of the whole thing.
Then I visualize typical beautiful mother-child moments: shortly after the birth, the first grin, how it runs towards you.
I then think: yes, I'll try again and the rest is up to the good Lord, fate, whatever.
How do you feel when you think about moments like that?
Dear ones,
I apologize for replying so late!
I have actually overcome my really strong fear and have dared to make the transfer. Thank you for all your encouragement ;-)!
Afterwards I was totally proud and convinced that with so much courage and "growing beyond my own limits" nothing could happen to me. I was wrong, today was BT and nothing. I'm incredibly sad and I wonder what went wrong. It was supposedly a top blasto and a top endometrium in great health. The clinic's estimated chance with this TF = 60%.
I had mega "signs" but nothing, the little one probably said goodbye shortly after the transfer.
Jam76: I'll reply to you, but I'm too sad today 
Your Oskar
P.S.: I needed time for myself while I was on hold, that's why I was so quiet.
So I had also done the Era Test and I had an implantation for the first time as I got my blastocyst back on day 6 after 144h. Never before. It could have been a coincidence, but as my body absorbs medication very poorly, I think there is something to it. Everyone has to decide for themselves, it really isn't cheap.
I need 6.5 days of progesterone. Also had implantation for the first time after ERA. Is it because of that or because of euploid blastocysts? You just don't know!
